Always Remember Memories And Not Death

On your last day….

I know you’re good up there babe. You visited plenty of people and touched them through their dreams. I’m glad you stayed in my dreams for the first 3 weeks. It’s so sad that you had to leave my dreams, but now I know it was to visit others and that makes me feel much better. I went to church today, I felt like crying so many times but I felt a chill, you were reminding me not to cry and I didn’t… On your last day, I just want you to know that it’s okay love. Everything will be okay. I will reach the part of acceptance on my own time. Just know that everyone cares so much for you, that people that you have briefly touched their lives are here for you, your family, and me. I’m so happy for you baby, happy that you’re in a better place. I’m glad that you don’t have to suffer anymore. Find your way to God. I know you will pass. When you see me crying babe, don’t worry. I just miss you but I know you’re good. When I cry, I close my eyes and I see your smile. I see you smiling at me. I see you saying stop crying. I start to smile when I see you. I am so happy when I get to see you smile. Visit me sometimes when you can babe. I LOVE YOU!!! I love you sooo much!!! Take care of everyone. Rest in peace my everything <3

I cried so much ever since you left. I’ve never been this sad in my entire life. I can’t imagine the world without you, or the future without you. I keep thinking that you will come back somehow. Its so hard to live without you. We were at a point in our relationship where we were perfectly comfortable staying in each others arms. No worries, just love. I’m so lucky to have you. I’m upset. I found the one but I won’t ever have him to hold or cherish. We didn’t get to do all we wanted.. Now when I see other couples, its so hard. I don’t know how to feel. I just miss being with my love. I ask, ” why can’t I have that? I was already living perfectly the way I wanted to be. I found a wonderful guy to settle down with.” Baby you respected your parents, you never did anything wrong, you were so kind and a gentlemen. I remember the time we were at target and we saw this guy open his car door for his girl, I said,” awe that’s sweet.” And you said,”I can do that for you.” So you opened my door for me, it made me blush. The little things get to me the most… Like how I yearn for your hand when I drive my car. I always asked him randomly for his hand to hold. I am so sad that I can’t have my love with me anymore to do the simple things that we used to do together… Today would be a good day to wash his car. We would get up early and just start working. I miss my old life. Sometimes I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I can do. I just want to be with you baby. I wanted you to be with me for life.

another day

another end of the day… I honestly don’t know what I did today. Lay here… I was too tired. I didn’t want to move. I just hoped you would come home. You are the only thing that I ever think about…. My mom posted this on my facebook today:

To Melissa, 

I Am Still Near ( By Oblate Missions)

Death has taken me from this world, and though we are apart, I am still near. All that we meant to each other remains true, in trust and faith, have no fear.
Keep me always close to your heart! For I leave with you what no one can steal, a treasure chest of precious, happy memories; the tender, love-filled moments we shared,as well as the challenging times that brought us closer together.
When you are in need, speak to me, call my name. I will come to you with wisdom and light; to fill your soul with peace, and to guide you in the pathways that lead to life forever with our Loving God.
I also offer you this sacred promise: when I am home in God’s embrace, whenever you call on me, I will still be present to you, for neither death nor grave can break the bonds of love that we on earth once knew. I namu babe…

Love, 
Armand Ray Atienza

Honestly, I wish these were your words……. I need you so much babe. The random flood of tears when I remember you’re gone; those tears hurt so much. I lose track of hours and days, I just realized it’s 2012 three hours ago. Everything that I was supposed to do was put on pause because you aren’t here. I remember what we were going to do the weekend before you passed away… I was going to have so much fun at my modeling class and we were going to party every weekend after that. There was my cousin’s birthday party, early Christmas, and then real Christmas, plus there was always new years for me to babysit you while you get wasted :P  ….. I’m so upset that none of the things that I wanted to go do with you are gone… ALL OF IT! IT’S ALL GONE… everything we wanted to do, all the promises, EVERYTHING…. it’s all…. it disappeared… it makes me so sad… I just need you back…  I love you baby and I always will. 

Falling for you over and over…

There goes that feeling again. Every day it only gets worse… I don’t know babe, I feel so lonely without you. I can’t help but think about how hard it is living without you, my love, my best friend, my everything. I want you back so badly. There’s no one that can make this feel better but you. I need you so much… I remember how you would always fight for me when I was ready to walk out. You always were there telling me not to go. I remember one particular argument, I walked half way down the hill by your house ready to walk home. You grabbed me and teared up saying, “You’re the only thing I have that is solid in my life babe. I need you, please stay with me. Everyone left me. No one cares for me like you do, so please just stay with me.” You broke my heart with your words that night. I couldn’t say anything, you left me speechless. I never felt so needed in my life before. You fought for me, in every situation. I remember our last argument… We got into a real bad fight and I was ready to just go home and stay away from you. I started crying uncontrollably and went in the other room. I didn’t want to be around you anymore, I hated you so much for the words you said to me that night but you came right into the room and waited for me to stop crying.. you told me, “I’m sorry love, I don’t why I say the things I do. I don’t even know what I’m saying.” I went to you, hugged you. You looked up at me from where you were sitting and frowned. You said, “Baby don’t ever leave me,” while a tear ran down your cheek. I just nodded and we stayed there for what seems forever. You just holding me and I was holding you. We went to bed so happy that night. The day went from horrible to amazing because we realized how much we cared for each other no matter what was being said in anger. That night we looked at each other until we finally went to sleep. From that day on, we haven’t had a single argument, not even a small one. I can’t believe you left me babe. :’( 

Surprises <3

One whole month without you… I can’t believe it. It’s as if you went to the Philippines this time, only there’s no surprise from you coming home. I remember when we talked about how you felt after I surprised you. You had no idea! I made sure no one knew when I was coming home from the Philippines except for my dad. It was our one year and eleven months, July 6,2011. I had the hardest time keeping my arrival from you. I went everywhere looking for you in Vallejo when I arrived. I thought you would be at Applebee’s for dudes night out so I drove there first. Then home, and then finally to Dale’s house. I remember how shocked Dale and Jay were. They looked at each other like, “WTF? I thought I was seeing a ghost, there’s no way Melissa is back.” Oh but I was. We found out where you were and I hopped into Dale’s car to get to Tim’s. Getting near Tim’s I was sooo excited. You were outside and I thought you saw me walk up but I hid behind the bush… Dale and Jay were like, “Hey BREW!! There’s a dead animal, it’s so gross you have to see it!” So you ran pass the bush and I popped out behind you. I tapped your shoulder, you turned around then your jaw dropped, you looked at me for a good second and then you ran away from me towards the house!! At that time I was like, “….uhhhh.” Haha. You came back and hugged me so tight and gave me a kiss. You took me out that night to Applebee’s and I couldn’t even eat because of the food change. You were so happy that you took a picture of me and I looked so grimey from a almost 20 hour flight. I was so happy that you were so happy. I missed you so much during my trip. You always told me, “No one ever surprised me like that before. That’s the best surprise I’ve ever got.” I’m so glad to have given you the best of me. I’m glad our love was so true and you did everything for me and I did everything for you. I loved helping you with your car even though people always said, “I would never do all that work.” You are my soul mate and I would do anything as long as it was with you. You changed me in so many ways for the better. Babe I miss you. Wherever you are I know you’re reading this. I know you love me. I know that you’ll always be there for me. Death is nothing for us. Love you always <3 I namu baby onry one. Rest in peace. 

New Year

So I can’t stand the fact that I have to start a new year without my love… I can’t help but cry every time someone talks to me about you… I know exactly what my goals are, not just for 2012, but my entire life…

-get a car that babe would be proud of

-learn to drive manual :/ (Someone help me…)

-take up boxing after all my injuries heal

-try to get to all the car meets

-devote more time to God

-get a job at Yo’s :)

-be better to my parents because they deserve the world, nothing less

-get a dog to love and jog with 

-get a dope camera and take more pictures of everything

I feel so sick…

Babe I just keep thinking about how you’re not here anymore :,(

12/25/2011

Merry Christmas babe. This would have been the 3rd together.. This is the saddest Christmas I’ve ever had ever, ever. I wish you were here. Why did you have to go so soon? I was talking to my dad and he was saying, “When the young die it’s like they are forever young, almost immortal. Whenever I see Armand’s picture, it’s like he will never age.” 

I got sad when he said this because I wanted so badly to grow old with Armand right then and there. How could I live without him. I want to grow together, see new things, have an adventure with him… Find out how much marriage and having a child together would make us closer and bring us to a even better understanding of one another. I can’t help but think about it all. Although we never even talked about the future. You were the one that made me change my mind about having kids… I swear babe you were the only one who could change my mind and soul. Everything about me changed for the better when I met you. I was headed down the wrong path until you came along… 

Together, I swear, we could conquer the world. It felt like nothing could ever stop us… I still think that a future with you is possible even though you’re gone. I will never find another you babe. It was a pure love. You were the only one to make me really smile and be happy no matter what. Even when we argued, which we barely did, I was able to smile at your sillyness. I have to admit, I still don’t believe any of this happened to you. I wish God would have took you without having you go through so much pain. I can’t even imagine what you were feeling. I walked away with a few fractures and was feeling that after an hour of the accident. With your injury, it must have been a million times worst… Damn babe, I want to take whatever you were last feeling away; all the pain and suffering, I would love to take it all away from you. 

You are such a happy person babe, smiles all day…. :) love you 

Dreaming…

I had another dream last night. We were arguing and broke up at some fast food restaurant… I woke up and wanted to call you to say sorry, I love you and Merry Christmas. I looked for my phone and it was your phone… then I remembered you’re not here and I can’t call you anymore… even though I never had to call you because we lived together. I went to your resting place at All Souls Cemetery today and cried my eyes out. I cried so much that my dad started to cry too… We miss you babe. I hope you saw the present I unwrapped for you today… I know you would like it.. Love you so much. I’m dreaming about us almost every night <3